Really, I don't understand people. In the last two weeks, I've seen a side of someone that has been dear to me that, honestly?, I wouldn't wish on an enemy. I've watched, endured, the slow, painful death of a friendship. And I've taken it mostly in stride.
My husband has been wonderful. He has encouraged me to trust myself. He's let me wander in my own emotions on this. And while he could totally put his foot down about all of this, he hasn't. He has absolutely been my rock.
On the flip side, I was contacted by someone who had been a source of much pain over the years, nearly a decade's worth, with some very appreciated words of reconciliation. While I forgave long ago, it was nice to hear.
I don't think I'll ever understand people. Somehow I thought that surrounding myself with certain types of people would protect me, somehow. In my mind, the pain of the past was such a burden, something to be forgotten, buried, and my future was so full of people who helped heal.
Yeah. I was wrong about that. And yes, while parts of the past are best left dead and buried, I'm beginning to see that there are things in my present that need to lie with them. There are people in my life now just as poisonous to me as anything from my previous struggles.
Perhaps that phone call was as much for me as it was for him. It showed that I really can let some things go. Love, even just - or maybe especially - friendship, doesn't mean I have to be some masochistic martyr. While I can be called to love someone through their misery, it doesn't mean I have to allow myself to be abused.
Man, it really sucks when you wake up and realize that yes, people can suck, but you have no one to blame but yourself if you don't walk away.
This is gonna suck.
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