Howdy Stranger.

It's been a while since I posted. It's been a rough month. Let's correct that: It's been a rough several months. There have been a lot of changes happening here, and while ultimately they are all for the best, they still bring growing pains. I don't like growing pains. Really.

This past week I've tried to stay lower carb than I had been. I finally started feeling rather decent. Yesterday I blew that with a couple of huge iced drinks from Starbucks and some fries at Red Robin. But that's okay. On a whole-week basis, the difference is huge.

I went for a walk this week. I stayed home for 8 days. Okay, that may not sound good, but for me, it is. Normally I find excuses to leave home strictly because my anxiety levels are maxing out. I did have to miss the graduation ceremony and party for some dear young friends, but that was because I was feeling rather sick last Saturday... sadly, likely my blood sugar going nuts from too much junk food and not enough protein. Yesterday I went to the St. Louis Arch and took pictures of strangers. Stalking people is amusing. And I've found that no matter the age, nationality, race, sex, etc., nearly everyone acts the same at the Arch. It was amusing, and enlightening.

I was lucky enough that a little two year old saw me aiming my camera at her, and came running to me. Her dad let me take a gazillion pictures of her while they were waiting for her mommy. Unfortunately, the light had changed and I didn't adjust my camera settings, so they were grainy and blurry. Some were salvageable, however, and I hope they like them (dad gave me his email address). And when I came to the computer this morning, I found that I had inadvertently taken a picture of the two of them earlier. So, here's that picture (as it doesn't reveal their identity), and a spare.

Some photo progress.

I'm getting a little bit better handle on this camera thing. Yesterday was the local Homeschool Prom, and they have a tradition of taking pictures outside in the late afternoon before heading to dinner then the dance. Last year, I took a ton of pictures, and very few were usable without hefty editing. This year, a good 80% or more were sharp as a tack, and didn't need as much cropping. So, I'm getting the concept of working in natural light down a bit better, as well as framing on the first shot rather than taking a larger scene and hoping that there's a usable crop in there somewhere.

I don't want to post anything here without the permission of the other kids' parents, so I'll just throw in one of the solo shots of Alexis, unedited. No color fixes, no sharpening, no cropping, nothing, just SOOC. Tada!

My baby!!

Next weekend, a nearby small town is having a local festival. I'm tempted to go and shoot pictures of random people. I need to get over my feeling that I'm creeping people out by aiming a camera at them. Well, maybe I am creeping them out. Still, it would be good practice. We'll see.

Evil Gluten

I was glutened earlier this week. Normally by now I'd be feeling mostly normal. Alas, that is not the case this time. I'm not sure if it's because I've been pushing myself rather than resting, if I've been carbing it up more than usual, or if this particular poisoning was just so bad combined with the length of time I've been GF (I haven't had more than what I assume are ridiculously tiny traces only a few times since Christmas).

Serious brain fog. Electrical zaps to nerves. Low energy (but I've pushed through to go to the zoo in St. Louis, as well as spend a day outside working in the yard). Anxiety out the wazoo.

I'm really just putting this here as a record. Not looking for sympathy, or suggestions. I'm just frustrated that just when I really thought I had a handle on this thing, I had to go and screw up by eating at a restaurant without making my needs known. Never again. Ugh.

Playing.

My dear mother- and father-in-law are visiting for a week or two. Today they played outside with the kids, and I was able to get a few pics of the little brats that actually turned out okay. I LOVE the smile on Michael's face, but I have that horrible merge with the playset ring. Bah!!!

Warrior Girl

Smiling!

When did she grow up?

Understanding.

Really, I don't understand people. In the last two weeks, I've seen a side of someone that has been dear to me that, honestly?, I wouldn't wish on an enemy. I've watched, endured, the slow, painful death of a friendship. And I've taken it mostly in stride.

My husband has been wonderful. He has encouraged me to trust myself. He's let me wander in my own emotions on this. And while he could totally put his foot down about all of this, he hasn't. He has absolutely been my rock.

On the flip side, I was contacted by someone who had been a source of much pain over the years, nearly a decade's worth, with some very appreciated words of reconciliation. While I forgave long ago, it was nice to hear.

I don't think I'll ever understand people. Somehow I thought that surrounding myself with certain types of people would protect me, somehow. In my mind, the pain of the past was such a burden, something to be forgotten, buried, and my future was so full of people who helped heal.

Yeah. I was wrong about that. And yes, while parts of the past are best left dead and buried, I'm beginning to see that there are things in my present that need to lie with them. There are people in my life now just as poisonous to me as anything from my previous struggles.

Perhaps that phone call was as much for me as it was for him. It showed that I really can let some things go. Love, even just - or maybe especially - friendship, doesn't mean I have to be some masochistic martyr. While I can be called to love someone through their misery, it doesn't mean I have to allow myself to be abused.

Man, it really sucks when you wake up and realize that yes, people can suck, but you have no one to blame but yourself if you don't walk away.

This is gonna suck.

Carnivorous.

So, gluten-free since October. A couple of purposeful glutenings, many more accidental. But I'm getting a handle on this thing now. I have a better feel for what I can and can't eat. I have decent substitutions in my head.

But substitutions are my "issue" (yeah, I know, get in line). The dear friend who pushed me into finally making the GF jump seems to have no issues whatsoever with other grains, legumes, etc. I on the other hand, do. Obviously not huge issues. I can suck back a bag of Doritos as well as the next junk food junkie. But while I feel oh-so-much better without the gluten, the overload of grains that I've allowed in my diet as a substitute is causing me some grief.

About three and a half years ago, I was low carb. Felt great most of the time. I'm realizing that it's because I was stringing together long chains of days without gluten, but I think it was more than that. I had more energy. I just felt better in general... until I started downing crap like Atkins shakes because they were convenient and we were on the road a lot, and crazy busy with preparing to move to the Midwest.

Paleo appeals, but I love dairy. So, I'm aiming my dietary arrow toward Primal, ala Mark's Daily Apple. His is the most common-sense approach I've seen to the "fads" of low carb, paleo, primal, et al. Aim for 80%. Forget about studies on general populations (or on skewed populations), and focus on your own n=1. How is your own health improving? How do you feel? What are your results (and yes, including markers like heart rate, blood pressure, cholesterol counts, blood sugars). Look at the guidelines. Start somewhere. Keep moving forward. Keep tweaking. Live it, don't expect someone else to live it for you.

It makes me happy. I'll never be totally "paleo" or "Atkins" or "low-fat" or "raw" or whatever the diet of the day happens to be. Studies have meant a crapload of nothing for my mental health. Why should I expect that my physical health be any different?

I have a family history of  high blood pressure, high cholesterol, Type II diabetics everywhere you turn. And they all depends on medication, and refuse to look at alternate solutions. Diabetic? Hey, there's a pill for that. Take it and "watch" your "sugars" and you can keep on eating all the crap you've always eaten  because hey, there's a pill and later when that won't work anymore there's insulin and really everyone's gotta die from something right?

Yeah, okay. Cool. I don't want to be Super Health Woman. I don't want to be scared of everything I put in my mouth. But I also don't want to be on meds - ha! I was about to say by the time I'm forty... too late! Been there nearly 9 months! Ah, the folly of youth. Anyway, I really don't want to obsess about things, overanalyzing every single thing I do, say, eat. I want to look and tweak and play and figure out how to best balance getting a bit healthier (or less unhealthy as time goes on) while just living my life.

Hopefully this will be a step in that direction.

Photo Play

Just a few more images from our time Down South that I happened to actually like without much editing on most of them. (Edit: Posting them on the blog loses some of the sharpness, or oversharpens, or something, particularly the street view pic.)

Grandma

Michael made a new friend

Street Guitar Banjo Cymbals Thingamajig

Bottlecap/Tincan Tap Boys

New Orleans Street View