Vapeing!

I totally forgot to mention the biggest thing from the last month.

I QUIT SMOKING.

Yep. I have a hard time actually saying that though. I'm vapeing. In other words, I'm using nicotine, propylene glycol, vegetable glycerin, and flavoring in a personal vaporizor, ie: electronic cigarettes. I'm inhaling, I'm getting nicotine, so it's kinda hard for me to say "I quit smoking".

But that's what I did.

And it's been a month today.

It's much cheaper. Really. Even with startup costs for the hardware. I've spent about the same I would have spent on cigarettes for this month buying them the next state over. Buying them here I'm about $60 under.

My sense of smell is coming back. Honestly? This sensory girl doesn't like it. It's another thing to input and process and I get overwhelmed sometimes. I'm assuming I'll get used to it. After all, everyone smells things and they don't go crazy, right?

After leaving a really heavy meal a couple of days ago, I walked up a steep flight of parking garage steps with a friend who has been walking several miles daily, is partially jogging, doing 5k's, etc., and who is at least 75 pounds lighter than me, and I was less out of breath.

I can vape while sitting watching a movie.

Seriously, I'm loving it. It's still hard to think of myself as a "former smoker" though.

Strange the paths life throws you on, huh? 

Internal Debates

I don't know where I've been. Oh wait, I do. I went to Higher Things. I came home and then my best friend came came to visit, then another friend came to visit, and she just left.

Yep. About sums up my last month and a half or so.

Well, and The Husband and I have actually been out on dates lately. We slip away during the day and run a couple of errands and have dinner together and that's been nice. I'd forgotten what that was like. It's kinda like, oh look, hi! I know you!

So yeah, internal debate. Diet, mostly. I'm a junk food junkie. Being gluten-free is all fine and dandy, but I'm not one of those that got rid of the gluten and oh whee watch those pounds just melt away. Nope. Not me. Low carb works great for me. I know this. I've had amazing success in the past. And I skirted around Paleo/Primal long enough that I know that I really need to get the processed foods totally gone and get to eating real food.

Guess what? I hate real food.

Not hate. Hate is too strong of a word. But I've already had to give up all things gluten, and honestly? I miss it. Not bad enough to go on a gluten binge, but that's just because I have to have three weeks recovery time and very, very few things are worth that. (I do, however, have a really nice list of things that I will gorge if I get accidentally badly glutened. If I'm gonna be utterly miserable, it won't be because of some tiny cross-contamination. I'm gonna pull out all the stops. Really.) But low-carb? Meh. I want rice. I want potatoes. I want carby happiness.

So yeah, bah. Low-fat and low-calorie makes me miserable too and frankly, I don't know how I'd do that without gluten, or products that are so crazy processed to make up for the missing gluten. More bah. So low-carb it is, but I don't wanna.

So, yeah, no purpose. Just whining.

Carrots! Yum!

Back in April, I posted about planting carrots. Sunday, we enjoyed the fruits (two of them in fact, well, I guess the roots) of the harvest!

Molly was so incredibly excited. The Little Finger carrots seem about perfect size. The Atomic Purples are still a little short and thin, even though the plan was to harvest them small. I suppose that's a good thing, because apparently Molly keeps checking which one she's pulling, and recovers it if it's a purple, because she claims she likes the orange better. She sure ate the purple, and its greens, like it was going out of style!

I have to say, the raised box of carrots has been wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. It took some time to mix up the soil mix we used (peat, a couple of types of compost, some vermiculite) but we have had absolutely no maintenance to do. Molly watered on a daily basis in the beginning when it didn't rain, and about every other day once they got to decent size. And by "watering" I mean she filled up a small watering can, squatted down, and poured it around the box haphazardly while she chatted with the plants. No weeding. No stressing. Oh, and harvesting? Yeah, we followed the greens to a root, she used her little index finger to loosen the soil around the top (mostly to check the color), and we gently tugged to pull them out. Rinsed off in hose water, munched right there. If you look closely on the purple carrot, it has already had a bite taken off of it.

I'm already working on deciding how to set up raised beds over than whole section of yard for next spring. We'll also probably plant some carrots for fall in this bed once it's fully harvested, as well as a second we'll make and put right next to it.

Yay carrots!

Running away to friends.

Tomorrow I'm heading to Indiana to the Higher Things conference at Purdue. I'm not officially going to participate, but I have a little favor I''m doing for a friend Friday and Saturday, so going up there early to be able to visit with friends was just too wonderful to pass up.

I miss people. It's hard living out in the country. I love my husband, and it's been really nice that we've actually been able to get away together several hours every now and then. Sunday afternoon we went on a hot date to Aldi, Kroger, and Starbucks. Mock if you wish, but Michael's needs made it hard to get away until he got to a certain level of independence (in a lot of ways, it's the difference between a 2 year old and a 4 year old), as well as Molly and Alexis maturing.

But getting back to missing people. Yeah. It's hard not having friends around here. When we went to Louisiana back in March, I made some decisions that brought about some changes, and they apparently aligned with others' decisions about changes regarding me as well, so instead of easing back and protecting myself, I found myself rather blowing out in the wind. And that's okay. It's really for the best. It just wasn't expected. Then again, is anything ever?

So, this week I see friends and extended family at HT at Purdue. I get a couple of nights (maybe alone, maybe with a friend or two, depending on their circumstances) in a hotel with a pool. I get to hang out with an extra day with a really cool kid before he takes off to the other side of the world (and get another night in a hotel room with him and Alexis). Hopefully I can ride the happy wave for a while, then come home and do some cleaning and organizing, because August will be a busy month. Two of my dearest friends will be visiting at separate times through the month. Oh, and we can't forget the local town picnic the last weekend of July to kick this all off. I also will be turning 41, but I'm sure that's an observation for another day.

I can't wait to be around people I love who love me in return that aren't my immediate family. That makes for a happy Faith.

Happy as the Arch under a blue sky with puffy clouds.

Howdy Stranger.

It's been a while since I posted. It's been a rough month. Let's correct that: It's been a rough several months. There have been a lot of changes happening here, and while ultimately they are all for the best, they still bring growing pains. I don't like growing pains. Really.

This past week I've tried to stay lower carb than I had been. I finally started feeling rather decent. Yesterday I blew that with a couple of huge iced drinks from Starbucks and some fries at Red Robin. But that's okay. On a whole-week basis, the difference is huge.

I went for a walk this week. I stayed home for 8 days. Okay, that may not sound good, but for me, it is. Normally I find excuses to leave home strictly because my anxiety levels are maxing out. I did have to miss the graduation ceremony and party for some dear young friends, but that was because I was feeling rather sick last Saturday... sadly, likely my blood sugar going nuts from too much junk food and not enough protein. Yesterday I went to the St. Louis Arch and took pictures of strangers. Stalking people is amusing. And I've found that no matter the age, nationality, race, sex, etc., nearly everyone acts the same at the Arch. It was amusing, and enlightening.

I was lucky enough that a little two year old saw me aiming my camera at her, and came running to me. Her dad let me take a gazillion pictures of her while they were waiting for her mommy. Unfortunately, the light had changed and I didn't adjust my camera settings, so they were grainy and blurry. Some were salvageable, however, and I hope they like them (dad gave me his email address). And when I came to the computer this morning, I found that I had inadvertently taken a picture of the two of them earlier. So, here's that picture (as it doesn't reveal their identity), and a spare.

Some photo progress.

I'm getting a little bit better handle on this camera thing. Yesterday was the local Homeschool Prom, and they have a tradition of taking pictures outside in the late afternoon before heading to dinner then the dance. Last year, I took a ton of pictures, and very few were usable without hefty editing. This year, a good 80% or more were sharp as a tack, and didn't need as much cropping. So, I'm getting the concept of working in natural light down a bit better, as well as framing on the first shot rather than taking a larger scene and hoping that there's a usable crop in there somewhere.

I don't want to post anything here without the permission of the other kids' parents, so I'll just throw in one of the solo shots of Alexis, unedited. No color fixes, no sharpening, no cropping, nothing, just SOOC. Tada!

My baby!!

Next weekend, a nearby small town is having a local festival. I'm tempted to go and shoot pictures of random people. I need to get over my feeling that I'm creeping people out by aiming a camera at them. Well, maybe I am creeping them out. Still, it would be good practice. We'll see.

Evil Gluten

I was glutened earlier this week. Normally by now I'd be feeling mostly normal. Alas, that is not the case this time. I'm not sure if it's because I've been pushing myself rather than resting, if I've been carbing it up more than usual, or if this particular poisoning was just so bad combined with the length of time I've been GF (I haven't had more than what I assume are ridiculously tiny traces only a few times since Christmas).

Serious brain fog. Electrical zaps to nerves. Low energy (but I've pushed through to go to the zoo in St. Louis, as well as spend a day outside working in the yard). Anxiety out the wazoo.

I'm really just putting this here as a record. Not looking for sympathy, or suggestions. I'm just frustrated that just when I really thought I had a handle on this thing, I had to go and screw up by eating at a restaurant without making my needs known. Never again. Ugh.

Playing.

My dear mother- and father-in-law are visiting for a week or two. Today they played outside with the kids, and I was able to get a few pics of the little brats that actually turned out okay. I LOVE the smile on Michael's face, but I have that horrible merge with the playset ring. Bah!!!

Warrior Girl

Smiling!

When did she grow up?

Understanding.

Really, I don't understand people. In the last two weeks, I've seen a side of someone that has been dear to me that, honestly?, I wouldn't wish on an enemy. I've watched, endured, the slow, painful death of a friendship. And I've taken it mostly in stride.

My husband has been wonderful. He has encouraged me to trust myself. He's let me wander in my own emotions on this. And while he could totally put his foot down about all of this, he hasn't. He has absolutely been my rock.

On the flip side, I was contacted by someone who had been a source of much pain over the years, nearly a decade's worth, with some very appreciated words of reconciliation. While I forgave long ago, it was nice to hear.

I don't think I'll ever understand people. Somehow I thought that surrounding myself with certain types of people would protect me, somehow. In my mind, the pain of the past was such a burden, something to be forgotten, buried, and my future was so full of people who helped heal.

Yeah. I was wrong about that. And yes, while parts of the past are best left dead and buried, I'm beginning to see that there are things in my present that need to lie with them. There are people in my life now just as poisonous to me as anything from my previous struggles.

Perhaps that phone call was as much for me as it was for him. It showed that I really can let some things go. Love, even just - or maybe especially - friendship, doesn't mean I have to be some masochistic martyr. While I can be called to love someone through their misery, it doesn't mean I have to allow myself to be abused.

Man, it really sucks when you wake up and realize that yes, people can suck, but you have no one to blame but yourself if you don't walk away.

This is gonna suck.

Carnivorous.

So, gluten-free since October. A couple of purposeful glutenings, many more accidental. But I'm getting a handle on this thing now. I have a better feel for what I can and can't eat. I have decent substitutions in my head.

But substitutions are my "issue" (yeah, I know, get in line). The dear friend who pushed me into finally making the GF jump seems to have no issues whatsoever with other grains, legumes, etc. I on the other hand, do. Obviously not huge issues. I can suck back a bag of Doritos as well as the next junk food junkie. But while I feel oh-so-much better without the gluten, the overload of grains that I've allowed in my diet as a substitute is causing me some grief.

About three and a half years ago, I was low carb. Felt great most of the time. I'm realizing that it's because I was stringing together long chains of days without gluten, but I think it was more than that. I had more energy. I just felt better in general... until I started downing crap like Atkins shakes because they were convenient and we were on the road a lot, and crazy busy with preparing to move to the Midwest.

Paleo appeals, but I love dairy. So, I'm aiming my dietary arrow toward Primal, ala Mark's Daily Apple. His is the most common-sense approach I've seen to the "fads" of low carb, paleo, primal, et al. Aim for 80%. Forget about studies on general populations (or on skewed populations), and focus on your own n=1. How is your own health improving? How do you feel? What are your results (and yes, including markers like heart rate, blood pressure, cholesterol counts, blood sugars). Look at the guidelines. Start somewhere. Keep moving forward. Keep tweaking. Live it, don't expect someone else to live it for you.

It makes me happy. I'll never be totally "paleo" or "Atkins" or "low-fat" or "raw" or whatever the diet of the day happens to be. Studies have meant a crapload of nothing for my mental health. Why should I expect that my physical health be any different?

I have a family history of  high blood pressure, high cholesterol, Type II diabetics everywhere you turn. And they all depends on medication, and refuse to look at alternate solutions. Diabetic? Hey, there's a pill for that. Take it and "watch" your "sugars" and you can keep on eating all the crap you've always eaten  because hey, there's a pill and later when that won't work anymore there's insulin and really everyone's gotta die from something right?

Yeah, okay. Cool. I don't want to be Super Health Woman. I don't want to be scared of everything I put in my mouth. But I also don't want to be on meds - ha! I was about to say by the time I'm forty... too late! Been there nearly 9 months! Ah, the folly of youth. Anyway, I really don't want to obsess about things, overanalyzing every single thing I do, say, eat. I want to look and tweak and play and figure out how to best balance getting a bit healthier (or less unhealthy as time goes on) while just living my life.

Hopefully this will be a step in that direction.

Photo Play

Just a few more images from our time Down South that I happened to actually like without much editing on most of them. (Edit: Posting them on the blog loses some of the sharpness, or oversharpens, or something, particularly the street view pic.)

Grandma

Michael made a new friend

Street Guitar Banjo Cymbals Thingamajig

Bottlecap/Tincan Tap Boys

New Orleans Street View

Pretty Pictures.

I love taking photos. I do decently, considering my hands shake - a lot - and I just can't seem to learn my camera and get it to see what I want it to see.

That's my biggest issue there: getting the camera to see what I see. I still feel like I'm just taking snapshots. I look at the photos that my friends take (unedited, SOOC shots, groups of them not just the "chosen few"). I can't get my camera to do that. It's a user issue, not a camera issue, for the most part. I would like to get another lens or two that go outside of the kit lens that came with my camera. But really, the biggest issue is me.

I keep scoffing at taking a photography class, but I think I'm going to have to. I just can't wrap my head around certain things about SLR photography.

So this isn't a totally pointless post, here are some edited photos I took over our Spring vacation. I had to do the photos of the kids before my parents shot me, but I did get some shots in New Orleans that I'm itching to get to working on.

Grow little carrots!!

Today Molly and I worked outside, building a 2x2 raised bed for her carrots. It's our first raised bed, as well as our first time planting carrots.

I mean, they're generally $1 per pound, why plant? But I've gotten very interested in playing with heirloom veggies. And gardening is such a huge learning curve.

My husband's congregation takes very good care of us, and while we aren't rolling in the dough, we are comfortable. But the economy has been hard on this area. Our congregation is aging and shrinking. Taxes are, quite frankly, eating us alive, and with just the few changes I know about, our tax bill will likely triple next year. So while growing our own food is not a necessity at the moment, it's a huge part of my long term plan. The more we grow, the less we buy, and the less we drive.

I'll save my rant about the state of the country's food supply and my growing ickyness about what we put in our bodies on a regular basis for another post. Sometimes I feel hypocritical munching on Doritos and bitching about GMO corn, but it is what it is.

But today, just today, it wasn't about taxes and toxic chemicals and GMOs. It was about an awesome day of work, in the sunshine, with my beautiful girl who cannot wait to pull and munch her first Little Finger or Atomic Purple carrot out of soil she mixed herself in a box she helped to build.

Mellow.

There is no way to explain how utterly relaxed I am the second I walk into my best friend's house. Maybe it's because she has no children and I leave mine with my mom when I come here. Maybe it's because she has a cat. Maybe her furniture is more comfy than mine.

Maybe it's the fact that we've been friends for thirty years.

Nah.

I wish my own home was this stress-free. Every time I come I try to figure out how to move the mellow to my own place. So far, no good.

But it's ok, because I have it now. Ah...

Wowsers

So I took February off, apparently. It's ok. I found an app so I can post from my phone, so this could possibly turn into an actually updated often kinda thing.

Don't hold your breath.

But for all intents and purposes, I'm back. Not that anyone actually reads this, but still...

Obviously, this is a "playing with the new app" type of post. So I'll post a picture of my new hair.




Cute? Yes.

Learning to be...

It appears that 2.5 - 3 weeks is my "get over glutening" time frame. I've just started feeling better in the last 5 days or so from my Christmastime poisoning. In those five days, I've cooked three times. No, really. I suck at cooking. But it's getting better.

I'd like to be like my other GF friends who can eat a bunch of carbs and be fine, but I'm not sure I'm one of them. I'm finding that after really carb-heavy meals or snacks, my stomach is hurting. Hopefully that goes away, but in the meantime, I'm trying to minimize grain contact. Well, minimize is a relative term. I'll watch that bridge to see if it needs crossing or not. :)

Let me leave you with this nugget of wisdom: if you make cornbread from scratch with Maseca corn flour, it will taste like a big honkin' fluffy corn tortilla. And if that sounds appetizing, you're just hearing wrong. Ugh. GF substitution fail.

Planning Green Stuff

There are a lot of season rituals up here in the Midwest that I don't get, but one has been tugging at me, and I've finally succumbed: mid-winter garden planning.

The websites. The catalogs. Looking longingly out in the middle of my yucky dead flower beds encircling the house and thinking that this year will be different. This year I'll plant beautiful flowers and veggies. This year I'll keep up with the upkeep. This year I'll plant and they will grow and I will water and weed and love.

Ah, the Midwest Midwinter Dreams of Utopia.

There are several things that I know I want to plant. Where to plant them, when to plant them, what variety to plant, and fixing those stupid beds are the issues in my head. But that's okay. That's what seed catalogs are for.

What do I want to plant?

Tomatoes (mostly paste). Bell peppers. Cucumbers. Carrots. Maybe some spinach. Maybe a hot pepper of some sort. Basil. Rosemary. I don't know if oregano can grow here. Thyme. Pretty roses. Amaranth. Sugar snow peas. Onions. Garlic. Potatoes. Sweet potatoes. Other things I can't think of at the moment because I have a cute little boy who has decided that it's time for his turn on the computer.

I'll think on this some more, while looking at some more Midwest Midwinter Plant Pron. :)

Steamroller, baby...

Yeah, that steamroller rolled right over me.

Been trying to eat cleanly gluten-free since the holidays. Theoretically, I haven't consumed gluten in 2013. But I feel like a weird low-level BLECH and BLAH have been hanging with me. It could be the stress of the holiday finally catching up with me and not letting me go. I could be being glutened, but I don't know how. My daily meds are the gluten-free brand. Otherwise, there is nothing I'm having on a daily basis, or really, at all, that I wasn't eating during my first gluten-free period between mid-October and post-Thanksgiving.

I really, really, do not want to start doing the big honkin' "what did I eat, what did I do, how did I feel" type of journal. I am not moving toward some elimination diet, GAPS, etc. That being said, I don't know what to do.

This is frustrating.

Playing with Photography

Focal length: 18mm
Exposure time: 1/20
f/3.9
ISO 800

Subject: Birdie
Date: 11/22/2012
Edited: Playing in Picasa

Beginnings.

Things get away from me. There are so many little beginnings in my life, and nowhere to consolidate the information my brain needs to get out. I figure a little tiny bit of public accountability, even if the only "public" is some imaginary internet reader, will help.

So, yeah, moving along...